I have no more to give…..


So, now we have completed our family unit my next step is to return to work – full time.  I have had the odd few part-time jobs, which weren’t great, but made me feel better in myself until the hiccup for which your response was ‘well l would jack it in if l were you if it is that bad, and it is not like it is that many hours work in the week.’

For me the issue lays with the fact of your job and your lack of get up and go.

For many, many years now l have been bringing up your children whilst you were out pursuing your career as it is traditionally known. You work in a company which is predominately functioning on the ideology of patriarchy.

Although you moved departments, a chance for your own social mobility, who was the person that encouraged you to apply for the position as you were in two minds – me.  You got the job and you became happy again, you were learning new things, you received a new qualification.  The job even enabled you to eat and spend more time with the family and it was flexible you could (if needed to) work from home.  Homelife improved some what, l started feeling like even though we are married l was not a single parent anymore, you were able to do some school runs, attend school performances, things like that.  However, you received notice that the department you were now working for was having its funding withdrawn and you were all going back to your original positions.  This was bad news all round, for l had found another flexible job myself that allowed us to share child care and both earn an income.  This news also meant the return of your inflexible rota.  You were annoyed about having to go back to your old position, but have not had much get up and go about finding alternative employment.

When addressing your get up and go, l fully understand that you have a job and we need to have a crust coming in.  However, l can no longer deal with your child like tantrums which you bring home from work (l have bore the brunt of many of these over the last few years, none of which are physical, l must stress).  With this impending return date looming there has not been much production of change.  In my eyes you are just rolling over and playing dead in my eyes (possibly because you will still be earning a crust).  With this comes  fact that even though my job is flexible l will not be able to full fill to it’s potential, l will not be known as someone other than mum or wife, l will not be doing something that l enjoy and l will not be able to find what l class as meaningful employment but that of a dead end job – which society has no issue with me taking, but l do.

They say behind every good man is a strong woman, well l can no longer be strong, no longer have l the energy to kick you up the backside and motivate you in to finding something else.  I am mentally and physically exhausted.  You need to help yourself.  Talk to yourself in the mirror maybe and tell yourself exactly what you are telling our children about finding a job. After all it will highlight one thing – if you really want to change jobs.

The children are independent to a degree, but have medical issues which will never leave them but l hope l have instilled coping mechanisms in them so they can take responsibility for themselves, some of which you yourself like to take credit for.

Society expects me to get a job, well thats all fine, fair and well – l want to work and have my own identity, but how on earth can l when you have a job which is not flexible, has a rota that is so out of whack a pre-school child could schedule better, certainly not forgiving on the family front, and is so profoundly set in the ideology of patriarchy!

This might seem selfish and very stereotypical, but l have given up many years of my career to raise children we both wanted, so now when l come to ask for something for me, something my sacrifice has given you the privilege of doing – the same of which l am asking of you now – there is no give!

The short and long of it is, l want to work, you need to stop taking and give a little, you need to find your get up and go, that got up and went without you, show your children how to compromise, and hopefully make a household happy again.  I feel l have given all l can and l now have no more to give, the ball is in your court now.

Oh, and l am fully aware that as and when l return to full time work l will have two full time jobs, on of employment from an employer and the other, running the household,  you all still do not know how the washing machine works!

(To all that read this l am sorry if it seems like the rambling of a stressed out woman (which l am), who is just retelling something that of history repeating itself, but society does not work fairly for everyone, l believe meritocracy will never be achieved no matter who governs our land, and whilst their is still patriarchy woman will still suffer because of it.)





The Tenant of Wildfell Hall – My Review

Where do l start….

For me this book was totally amazing, it went against the conformities of society for the time in which it was written.

When a single mother and her son move into the village they become the talk of it.  Mrs Graham moved to seclusion for a very good reason, to conceal herself and her son from her vulgar husband.  Her husband would not freely let her take their ‘child and what remains of her (my) fortune’, so she had to run under the cover of darkness to live a concealed, secluded life for the sake of her son.

Helen was young and impetuous when she first came across Mr Huntingdon.

Mr Huntingdon was a charmer who came with a reputation.  This reputation, known to most, was what Helen naively refused to see.  Helen tried to find the good in Mr Huntingdon, and if there were any slight errors in his ways believed that she could rectify them.  Helens’ aunt tried to dissuade Helen from becoming involved with Mr Huntingdon by putting her in the path of other worthy suitors, who were all rebuffed by Helen.

Once Helen became Mrs Huntingdon she soon discovered that Mr Huntingdon was not all she thought him to be.  Throughout their early married years she came to see that her choice of a suitor was not what she had bargained for.  However, Helen was not going to admit the error of her ways (her impetuousness), so she undertook her ‘duty’ very seriously, calmly and with decorum.   Arthur was, in fact, a selfish man who it seems could charm the birds out of the trees, possibly committing more than one adulterous crime (in my eyes).  Helen only wrote about the account of adultery that she found out about, that she was warned about but refused to hear the information which might have softened the blow.  Mr Huntingdon became a vulgar alcoholic who tried to commit his young son to follow in his foot steps.  He even offered for his friends to try it on with his wife/have their way with her, informing them that they had ‘his blessing’ to do so.   Mr Huntingdon, being the unsavoury character that he was even restricted/controlled the monies Mrs Huntingdon had access to after learning she planned to leave him having saved some money for hers and their sons passage.  Thus, forcing her to leave (with little Arthur) under the cover of darkness and live in relatively total seclusion, under a fictional name, more for the safety of her son than herself.

However, her concealment is under threat because of the gossip and the need for the villagers to become intimately acquainted with her, and her past.  One villager in particular falls head over heals in love with Mrs Helen Graham – Mr  Gilbert Markham.  Gilbert would so dearly like to put the gossiping to bed (defend her honour) but he does not know the whole story: like the rest he believes Mrs Graham is a widow living with her son.  After becoming intimately  acquainted Mrs Graham agrees to meet with Gilbert to explain why they can have only have a brother and sister type relationship, but he never goes to meet her, for he sees her with another  – Mr Lawrence and completely misreads the situation.  Gilbert fuelled by jealousy causes harm to Mr Lawrence when they are alone.  When Gilbert can resist the torment of his heart no longer of wanting to know why they can not be together he visits  Mrs Graham  at Wildfell Hall.  In offer of explanation, an injured, Helen gives Gilbert her manuscript to read…

…Whilst reading the manuscript he learns a lot about her past and how she has the conviction of seeing her mistake through right to the end, and how she would complain to no one.  He learns how monstrous Mr Huntingdon is, what Helen has had to endure throughout her marriage.  Alongside this, Gilbert learns how he completely misjudged Mr Lawrence, but is it too late to rectify his wrong doing?

Is Helen completely lost to Gilbert?  Would Helen ever be completely free of Mr Huntingdon?  Is there a future for Helen and Gilbert?  Can either of them be truly happy, together or apart?

There are other twists and turns before the book ends, which l will not spoil for you, but l will pose the question ‘how much more can/has Helen to endure?’

Could Mr Huntingdon be more villainous than Mr Wickham?  You will need to read ‘The Tenant of Wildfell Hall’ to answer that.

I loved every moment of this book from start to finish, it is a real page turner, you will have problems putting it down – just like l did!